Issues.

She is flawed. Broken and damaged. Confusion is her middle name, self suffering her past time. Her faith in herself boarders worthless. Her confidence does not exist. her very life, in her opinion is merely the passing of days without her dying physically. on a emotional scale however her demise has begun.

She hides behind a façade, one that she has perfected over the years, through the torment that was school, to her hard life at uni, and even one she crafted to survive her time in her own house. She smiles but her eyes are remain lifeless and dull. The windows to her soul remain clouded. Her tears are those of rage…of anger and hate…not of sorrow. not of hurt. those are emotions she knows no longer. She is hardened. Tempered beyond the simple emotions that most of us indulge in.

Her words are snide and sharp. conjured up by her weary mind…she no longer speaks from her heart for that would make her seem naïve. She makes sacrifices not to please others or resolve conflicts but merely to punish herself. It is her fate she thinks…she believes in a past existence she has wronged someone so terribly that it is her destiny to live this half-life she calls her own. There are no happy endings. No silver linings. only pain and dark clouds.

She no longer has room for dreams. she manages with the cruel hand life has dealt her. She no longer takes chances, for chances are what dreamers take. Her fate is sealed. there is no turning back and no other options…her life is one tracked…straight to more misery. She settles for what she has, and doesn’t argue about what she deserves. The fight in her is dead..the fire no longer burns…even the embers are turning to ashes with every passing day.

***************************************************************************************************************************

She is perfect. Glowing. Radiant. Brilliant and beautiful. Her eyes glow with determination and drive. her vibrancy is breath taking. I cannot help but steal fleeting glances of her…taking in minute doses of her! Her hair flows over her shoulders like a black smooth waterfall. She smiles and my heart stops when I see her dimples! She is my everything. I am blessed to have her by my side. She catches me gawking at her and sits herself down next to me and looks at me…silently asking the question “WHAT”?!?!

I smile back as the words drift around my head…how do you explain that you noticed the tiny birthmark on her forehead…or the smallest of scars just below that? How do you tell her that her every movement makes you want her more….that you adore her every action…that her every expression is etched into your memory forever? You cannot. So you smile like an idiot cup her face in your hands and lie…”Nothing”

One look into her deep dark eyes and you can, in an instant, tell how she feels or the general gist of what she’s going through. The clarity her eyes reveal is amazing at times. Bright and full of mischief when she is in a great mood, Calm and glowing when she is generally happy…and glazed with tears when everything is not going well. She speaks from her heart. Always. Everyday. There are no walls to hold back part of the truth, no need to conceal the facts or her train of thoughts…she will answer you with honesty and truthful insight to any question you ask of her. She speaks of her fears of ending up unhappy and shares her dreams of travelling the world on a shoe string budget!!! we laugh about living off hot dog stands in new york and getting plastered on sake’ served by a Mr. Miyagi lookalike in Japan. I love conversing with her…its so wholesome and enlightening. I could live my whole life seated in a comfortable chair overlooking the sea and talking for hours at end with this one. That is my dream.

She is going to save the world someday. Well…not the WHOLE world obviously…but at least the parts she has some say in! she refuses to turn a blind eye to injustice, to poverty. to suffering. she will make a difference. she will lend a hand. that is the life she chooses for herself. Strange that I say it’s the life she has chosen for herself when in all honesty she has chosen to serve others. She is blessed. and she shall give back to the world as much as she can so long as she can. I admire her. She is kind to her fellow human. She is of noble intent. She is someone to look up at. I wish I could care as much as she did about the world. I truly do.

*****************************************************************************************************************************

I reflect on how life changes us. how things take their toll on us and wear us down. We were all dreamers once upon a time. All of us. We were going to do great things. Lead great lives. and then somewhere down the line. we stumbled, fell, and never really recovered. Failure. Relationships. the loss of something or someone…whatever the reason, something dealt us a cruel blow which we refused to get up from. We rarely see it ourselves. We feel is slightly…but we never really see how far we’ve fallen from our former selves. Its not like looking into a mirror…the changes don’t manifest themselves as clearly. But for an outsider the contrast in character is shocking. It is brutally heartbreaking if that outsider is, was, and always has been in love with you.

I am faithless by nature but if I did speak to a god, I would ask but one thing…fix her. give her but a glimmer of hope. relight what has been smothered and left to die….for in that soul once was pure passion and relentless determination…and to see that waver is to let the world and everything she touches, turn to darkness.

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~ by Kaiser Kobayashi on March 17, 2012.

2 Responses to “Issues.”

  1. real? fiction? It’s really sad…. but I love how you’ve split the whole thing into three…

  2. beautiful imagery…elegant play of words…

    shows a depth of passion and a skill to observe in minute detail. Soulful writing.

    In pain longing and sorrow, the finest of writings pour out….why is it not so in bliss, joy and happiness? Just a thought…whatever path your life takes, hope this ability to spin off words into great art never leaves you.

    totally a fan!

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