Doughnut the flying cockroach!!!

There have been quite a few creepy crawlies i have encountered during my not-so-brief stay in this world; My pet scorpion, the 12 inch centipede that lived in our bathroom and the dozens of other little little creatures that brought out screams of terror from the mommya. But none have traumatized me more that Doughnut!!!!

Doughnut was first spotted a few days into us moving into our new house, we assumed he was the first resident of the new house since he seemed to know every nook and cranny that we didn’t know existed…until of course he disappeared into them! He was of average size, the usual 1.5 inches and was more of an athletic roach, leaping over the mothers feet and jumping off the kitchen counter and scurrying off at 180km/h when the lights were suddenly switched on during a nightly stroll to the fridge! But doughnuts true strength lay in his ability to fly! Oh yes ladies and gentleman, Doughnut was one of them flying cockroaches…

You know how unnerving it is when you encounter a flying roach?!?! I have seen many a grown man, flail his arms and writhe his body in terror when a flyer decides to land upon them…I myself have had a few of these mini-monstrosities perch on me and send me into the famed anti-roach dance!!! you know how iiiky it is when they fly straight at you…wings beating, altitude rising and falling most unpredictably!!!  Its horrifying!!! and that stupid head-turning move EVERYONE does to save themselves from being face-landed!!! you know….seconds before impact, you freeze, hold your ground and simply raise your hands feebly and turn your head away so you don’t see the roach eye to eye before he lands in your hair, scurries through it, on to your neck, down your back and then flies out from under your shirt like a bat out of hell?!?!…god!!!! i hate that!!!! and what’s worse is all you do is scream the words over and over again “aaaaaargh…get it off get it off get it off” Its borderline pathetic but its the truth…and if you claim you have NEVER done the same, well….your a fucking liar!!! :p

So…as hard as it is to intercept these flying fiends, it IS possible, a well aimed book, or any other swatting instrument can be used against all such airborne insectofreaks; all except doughnut! recently during an encounter i found “him” perched atop my bookshelf dandying up his antennae (i assume he had a roach party to attend) anyways upon seeing me doughnut froze, undid his hidden wings and prepared to take flight, I swiftly reached for the closest book “aerodynamics for beginners” (No pun intended) and swung at doughnut a few feet into his flight…and imagine the shock-horror i got! You see, Unknown to me this flying critter was the fucking ace of fly school, Top gun material, bloody cockroach captain of the fleet!!!  He anticipated my swing, dove, twisted and did a barrel roll before climbing vertically upwards (much like those Suhkoi fighters do) and disappeared into one of those fore mentioned nooks only roaches know exist!!! I lay stood there, stunned and speechless at what had just happened and went about my day knowing that doughnut had won the battle…wings down!!!

Of course there’s no point telling this story unless I tell you how doughnut got his name…so…I have this habit of watching movies on my beloved computer, seated on a mattress surrounded by pillows with something to munch on while the movie plays…usually its mixture, often biscuits, on this fateful day it was a doughnut…so here i am watching some random movie, when the phone rings (as it always will when your watching a movie) so i answer the phone, faithfully take down whatever message is given (I don’t get calls since I’m an anti-social-blogger-geek) and went back to my movie, only to find my doughnut missing…ok…so it wasn’t a whole doughnut, it wasn’t even half, I’d say it was about a quarter of a doughnut but it was a big bloody doughnut to begin with and it going missing was an issue to say the least! So i looked about thinking i had left it somewhere in my haste to answer the phone but i couldn’t find my quart of a doughnut…and that’s when i saw him…the damn roach crawling very much slower than usual to a miniscule gap between the bookshelf and the wall…as i continued to watch in horror “he” got partially wedged in this space, wriggled and writhed a tad and disappeared into the darkness behind the bookshelf! Now I’m no idiot…there was no way a bloody roach ate the whole damn quarter of the doughnut right?!?! but when i took a closer look at the gap it was positively, undoubtedly smeared with chocolate icing from MY doughnut!!! I kid you not!!! this is the truth and i shall swear by this in a court of law…that bleeding roach stole/ate/vaporised/transformed my quarter of doughnut that freaky Friday!!!

There however had been days when I got the better of doughnut…once i hit him in a swift sideswipe with a slipper and made him spin across the floor…he came to a stop after hitting a chair leg, he lay there a while with his precious wings strewn clumsily about, but almost as soon as he stopped he righted his wares, twitched his antennae and ran off at 160km/h towards some unseen haven he knew of! Another time the mother managed to blast him with a spray of mortein but I assume he didn’t get hit right coz he dove into the sink (probably washed the stinging bug-spray off himself) and reappeared a few days later after his “sick leave” in the bathroom!!! 😦 much to everyone’s dismay!

Doughnut is living proof that roaches were here before us, will live amongst us, and will survive us after we nuke each other to kingdom come!!! I for one have given up on trying to get rid of him, and in all honesty i don’t bother to clean up scraps of food in my room anymore…after all…doughnut does all the work and in a twisted way its like doing a good deed…feeding the household cockroach!!! And i swear after i stopped trying to kill him, he stopped flying at me and pulling them bloody maverick-fly-boy moves on me!!! he even has the decency to hide when we have guests…now if that isn’t being considerate…i don’t know what it!!! 😉

~ by Kaiser Kobayashi on September 30, 2009.