Why the toilet seat must remain up. Bitch!
So today went well…work, came home, went for dinner with the darling…however before heading out for dinner the girl (already 15 minutes late) claims she needs to pee and storms into my apartment. After eyeballing the soft porn lying about and mumbling about the leftover junk food she proceeds to my room. So after five more minutes of fixing her hair she shrieks from within the bathroom…
“Why the hell cant you men leave the toilet seat down?!?!”
I pretend not to hear and ignore her completely. I could answer her but why bother…I intend on getting laid later during the week (No! not tonight…are you MAD…work tomorrow eeeaaaarrrrllly morning for her so…uh…NO!) and answering the question is bound to get me cock-blocked for a week (at least) so yes…play deaf, ignorance is bliss. let it go. But on the way to dinner I kept pondering as to why exactly the toilet seat remains in this position that pisses the hell out of our fairer sex friends…well that, and to drown the noise of her yapping away about how “absolutely lovely” the mango dress is/was/whatever. (Fyi; Mango is some outrageously priced clothing line NOT a fruit) So being the nice decent human being I am…I have decided to let you ladies know…why the toilet seat must remain UP. Enjoy.
UP = Good. This is true for everything. Facial muscles, planes, properly installed electrical switches, penises. TOILET SEATS!!!
A toilet seat placed in the upright position is meant to safe guard you darling. Its like this…Your ass is an asset. I may not say it out loud but it is. Your ass is the reason I open doors for you…yes it makes me look all chivalrous and loving…but in fact I just want to look at your ass as you walk into the building! So as you obviously don’t know…the toilet seat is subject to two loads when you rest your fine ass on it. Compression on the top surface, and tension on the lower surface. and in the case of your toilet seat…the tension could cause cracking which would be visible on the lower surface. cracks that could cause the seat to break in half when you sit on it and cut your beautiful buttocks like pork chops!!! Furthermore toilet seats have rubber or plastic “bumpers” attached to the lower surface, a missing bumper will cause uneven load distribution which could also lead to a similar accident…So by leaving it UP I can visually inspect the seat on a regular basis and save your ass from having a horizontal line on it in the event of a catastrophic structural failure of the toilet seat. in short. I leave it up because I love you.
A seat placed down will attract more dirt. its because of gravity put simply. But if left UP everything merely slides off the seat and falls into the toilet bowl (OR hides itself between the seat and the cover out of sight)…ingenious design isn’t it baby? loose pubic hair, droplets of bodily fluids, other unspeakable ‘eeeeeyaaas’ all NOT on your toilet seat…and lets face is darling…I don’t know about you…but my aim is terrible…someone says something or the phone rings while I’m relieving myself and I turn my head just a few degrees and aiyo…piss all over the place…leave the seat UP and its not such a issue…I can hose it down…but if the seat was down (god forbid) I’d have to hose it down and wipe it dry with toilet paper, flush the toilet paper (save water; save the planet. right?) its just a waste of energy…its more efficient UP my love. I know that your evolutionary purpose is to wash things (clothes, plates, shitty babies) but I feel bad asking you to clean my toilet so just leave it UP ok darling?
Also…consider this…say you were fast asleep in the dead of the night and there was a huge earthquake…you wouldn’t know right? (this has nothing to do with you being a drunk little whore ok baby?) So you wake up in the morning, and you go to the bathroom, and you see the seat down and and you instantly know SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT…so you run to the window look out and see the city on fire and there are cars crashed and people evacuating and you grab your things and get out of there before the aftershocks hit…but if the seat was down…you wouldn’t know anything and you’d go about your “business” and you’ll DIE ON THE TOILET…how embarrassing noh!!! See! see why the seat simply MUST remain UP!!!
Ok. Nuf said. You’re welcome ladies. Have a great day knowing you’re just that much smarter than you were before you read this!!! Remember UP = Good.