Why the toilet seat must remain up. Bitch!

•March 5, 2012 • 5 Comments

So today went well…work, came home, went for dinner with the darling…however before heading out for dinner the girl (already 15 minutes late) claims she needs to pee and storms into my apartment. After eyeballing the soft porn lying about and mumbling about the leftover junk food she proceeds to my room. So after five more minutes of fixing her hair she shrieks from within the bathroom…

“Why the hell cant you men leave the toilet seat down?!?!”

I pretend not to hear and ignore her completely. I could answer her but why bother…I intend on getting laid later during the week (No! not tonight…are you MAD…work tomorrow eeeaaaarrrrllly morning for her so…uh…NO!) and answering the question is bound to get me cock-blocked for a week (at least) so yes…play deaf, ignorance is bliss. let it go. But on the way to dinner I kept pondering as to why exactly the toilet seat remains in this position that pisses the hell out of our fairer sex friends…well that, and to drown the noise of her yapping away about how “absolutely lovely” the mango dress is/was/whatever. (Fyi; Mango is some outrageously priced clothing line NOT a fruit) So being the nice decent human being I am…I have decided to let you ladies know…why the toilet seat must remain UP. Enjoy.

UP = Good. This is true for everything. Facial muscles, planes, properly installed electrical switches, penises. TOILET SEATS!!!

A toilet seat placed in the upright position is meant to safe guard you darling. Its like this…Your ass is an asset. I may not say it out loud but it is. Your ass is the reason I open doors for you…yes it makes me look all chivalrous and loving…but in fact I just want to look at your ass as you walk into the building! So as you obviously don’t know…the toilet seat is subject to two loads when you rest your fine ass on it. Compression on the top surface, and tension on the lower surface. and in the case of your toilet seat…the tension could cause cracking which would be visible on the lower surface. cracks that could cause the seat to break in half when you sit on it and cut your beautiful buttocks like pork chops!!! Furthermore toilet seats have rubber or plastic “bumpers” attached to the lower surface, a missing bumper will cause uneven load distribution which could also lead to a similar accident…So by leaving it UP I can visually inspect the seat on a regular basis and save your ass from having a horizontal line on it in the event of a catastrophic structural failure of the toilet seat. in short. I leave it up because I love you.

A seat placed down will attract more dirt. its because of gravity put simply. But if left UP everything merely slides off the seat and falls into the toilet bowl (OR hides itself between the seat and the cover out of sight)…ingenious design isn’t it baby? loose pubic hair, droplets of bodily fluids, other unspeakable ‘eeeeeyaaas’ all NOT on your toilet seat…and lets face is darling…I don’t know about you…but my aim is terrible…someone says something or the phone rings while I’m relieving myself and I turn my head just a few degrees and aiyo…piss all over the place…leave the seat UP and its not such a issue…I can hose it down…but if the seat was down (god forbid) I’d have to hose it down and wipe it dry with toilet paper, flush the toilet paper (save water; save the planet. right?) its just a waste of energy…its more efficient UP my love. I know that your evolutionary purpose is to wash things (clothes, plates, shitty babies) but I feel bad asking you to clean my toilet so just leave it UP ok darling?

Also…consider this…say you were fast asleep in the dead of the night and there was a huge earthquake…you wouldn’t know right? (this has nothing to do with you being a drunk little whore ok baby?) So you wake up in the morning, and you go to the bathroom, and you see the seat down and and you instantly know SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT…so you run to the window look out and see the city on fire and there are cars crashed and people evacuating and you grab your things and get out of there before the aftershocks hit…but if the seat was down…you wouldn’t know anything and you’d go about your “business” and you’ll DIE ON THE TOILET…how embarrassing noh!!! See! see why the seat simply MUST remain UP!!!

Ok. Nuf said. You’re welcome ladies. Have a great day knowing you’re just that much smarter than you were before you read this!!! Remember UP = Good.

*** Star Dust *** (as seen by a dreamer)

•February 3, 2012 • 1 Comment

A one hour boat ride from the bustling city of Male’ will take you far out enough in the ocean where there is absolutely nothing man-made for miles! No bright city lights, no traffic or irritated horning or smog. nothingness in the purest sense. It takes quite a while for the eyes to adjust to the blackness that is the night…no moon to reflect off the ocean, no artificial light to light the boat…this is the definition of “pitch black”

The sound of the sea gently lapping the side of the boat is the only sound you hear…way out here there is nothing else…no crickets chirping, no wind rustling through the trees…it’s a very different kind of “quiet” the quiet we refer to on land isn’t really quiet per say…its more….peaceful? but its NOT quiet….there are other minute sounds if you listen…but out here on the ocean…the waves are the ONLY sound. Period. It is a spiritual experience (for lack of better wording) you become profoundly aware of your self and the people beside you. there is nothing to distract you. nothing to waver your senses.

But the real moment of clarity is when the clouds clear to reveal the night sky.

It is awe inspiring. breath taking. words fail me. Miles away from any artificial source of light, the stars beam down upon you with such intensity it makes you wonder what you have looking up at all these years. believe me when I say the stars you see from atop the rooftops of your houses are but a fraction of the stars in the skies…blotted out by the “light pollution” and smog only the brightest of the stars grace ‘your’ sky…Out here…even the tiniest star burns with a passion! you see “clusters” of stars…unlike anything I have ever witnessed…imagine a cloud of diamonds in the night sky…flanked by a trillion others…then imagine that for as far as your eyes can see!!!

It is almost impossible to identify a constellation. there are simply too many stars out there. And as you lay there on your back with your eyes towards the heavens you seem to pick out more and more stars as your eyes grow accustomed to the darkness! they seem to focus and adjust and you notice the pinhole sized beams of star light piecing the night!

After the initial awe dies down and the beauty of it begins to sink in and etch into your memory forever, you realize how miniscule and insignificant you are! Its almost like an epiphany…your job, your idea of happiness, your life…what does it all mean? what does it all boil down to? you work your asses off through life to get somewhere…yet the poor fisherman who has only this wooden boat has the best view on the planet! The problems you face…seem like nothing. your life…is sheer madness! You are a finite object in what I believe is an infinite universe and the stars are telling you this…whispering their secrets which have been here from the very beginning of time and space!

You feel so tiny under the night sky. you appreciate the sequence of events that led you here. you repent for your wrong doings and feel love like never before! you wish, dream and reflect. ponder upon the futility of things money, power, war…for what?!?! I swear if everyone sees the night for what it truly is the world would be a surprisingly better place. if everyone sees the night as I have seen it you would shy away from the sun and her glaring pride just to see the heavens in the dark.

Not everyone can get on a plane and come to the Maldives, but almost anyone can travel to a place far away from civilization and the glare of city lights…I beg of you…when you have the time…do that…get on a boat and sail out to sea, climb a huge mountain in the middle of nowhere, trek for hours through the jungle till you come to a clearing…and when you’re so far away from everything that your life feels threatened and you have no idea where you are…trust me and stare at the sky above you…and find out why they call it “the heavens”

(For Mufeed)

*** Star Dust *** (as seen by science)

•February 3, 2012 • 1 Comment

It is worth contemplating that the atoms in our body were not forged in the furnace of the Big Bang, but were created within collapsing stars. The temperatures and pressures within dying stars triggered the nuclear reactions that cooked the simple hydrogen and helium into more complex atoms. In the final explosion, as the nuclear fusion reached its climax, these atoms were thrown across the universe and eventually became the iron in our blood and the calcium in our bones. In other words, we are literally stardust. Or, for the less romantically inclined, we are merely nuclear waste.

Simon Singh.

Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements – the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life – weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. The stars died so that you could be here today.

Lawrence Krauss.

Run as fast as you can…as far as you can…

•January 31, 2012 • 5 Comments

“I told you so” (Yes. You did)

“You should have known” (I didn’t)

“And how exactly did you NOT see this coming” (I was in love?)

“Oh you poor loser…here…strong shot” (OMG…what’s in this? Pesticide? I Hope I die now)

“That fucking whore I’ll stab that bitch if I see her in public…No I’m serious I carry a tiny knife in my purse” (wtf?!?!)

“I’m sorry, Are you ok? I’m here for you” (Thanks aney…its not that bad. I’ll live)

“How is it you fail to see the bitch in them EVERY single time”?!? (I don’t know I’m a retard I think)

”Was the sex awesome, like mindblowing…damn!!! she was fucking hot” hahaha back to handjobs for you mate” (ASSHOLE)

“You still have meeeeeee” (Yesssss I do, don’t I!!!)

“Uh…lets get drunk” (Always a good idea)

“bitchwhoremuch” (LOL…yes indeed)

”SLUT” (slut)

“I kinda liked her aney” (I kinda loved her)

“Plenty of fish in the sea dude", shall I set you up with my slut of a sister” (OMG! NO!)

“What did you do…I’m sure its all your fault” (IT WAS NOT…was it!??!?)

”Aney hukey…umbata mona girlfriendla dha bung…menne mehe indapang” (ow ney…mona huththakdha!!!)

Run as fast as you can…as far as you can…shes not worth the trouble, the effort, or the heartache!!! (Your wrong…she is, was, always will be)

Here’s to friends who have you back. To friends who are your eyes when you cant see the truth. To the people who are there to pick you up when your down.

Year End Partying!

•December 30, 2011 • 3 Comments

Drinks! Vodka on the rocks. Black & Coke. Lots and lots of water coz you are dehydrated beyond belief but need to party for a few more hours…at least!!!

Dancing. On the dance floor. on the sofas. on the space between the sofa and the wall. on those little ledges you find here and there. on tables. and on other people! Winking smile

Screaming out the lyrics to songs you know!!! (so loud your voice is hoarse when you exit the club) “ALL DAY! ALL NIGHT! JOHNNY!!!! LA GENTE ESTA MUY LOCA! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!” Open-mouthed smile

Acting out what the song says  “PUT YOUR HANDS UP” *wheeeeeee*

Meeting up with the old clique, the familiar faces, the heartfelt hugs all around, the squeals and shrieks of acknowledgement, the sips offered off someone’s drink, the cigerette youre forced to smoke coz its given to you and another is lit up to replace the one the owner handed to you!

Girls. The ones you know. the ones you loved. the one you love. the pretty ones. the party-harders. the funny drunk ones. the hot ones who can REALLY dance! the dancers. the singers. the one who smiles at you from across the room, the ones who sing along with you and the one you dance along with even though your separated by half a dance floor!!! Smile with tongue out The drop dead gorgeous ones you’d die to dance with but are too chicken to go bother!!! Sad smile

The guys. The schoolmates, batch mates, team mates, the drinking buddies, the trippers, the stoners, the hardcore drunks, the brothers you never had!

The conversations – the ones screamed out above the bass beats of the woofers, the drink orders that just HAVE to be right (no no NO ice…NO ICE…*sigh* ok I need another one WITHOUT ice) The long deep ones you have outside the club just far enough so you can make out the songs their playing. the quiet nice one you’ll remember that happened holding a hand seated on a sofa with very few words spoken!

Meeting new people, Being introduced to someone you’ve seen for years but never really knew. Being reintroduced to people. Being introduced to people you once dated Smile with tongue out

The hugs, The OMG Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’s, The kisses, and THE KISSES!!!!!

Answering the question “When did you get down?!??!!?” over and over and over again!!!! Open-mouthed smile and the ones that follow…how long are you here for, how is the Maldives, did you misssssss meeeeeee?!?! Smile

And last but not least….The People. Friends. Family. The ones that matter! I love you all! Thank you for the awesome AWESOME welcome and home-coming!!! Lets raise our glasses to the year gone by, the lessons learnt, the lives we lead and the bonds that’ll never break!!!

JOHNNY!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! LOL!!! =) *this years theme song for sure* 😉

Hope(less)

•November 2, 2011 • 3 Comments

Mythology tells the story of Pandora’s box – which contained all the sorrows and troubles of the earthly world. The story goes on to say that “Hope” was the last remaining thing left in the box after all the evils had escaped. “Hope” was released from the box to make up for the mess. to ease the burden and help the mortal world along…

But to me…”Hope” was nothing more than another evil. cloaked by lies. Sinister and unassuming, yet unleashing little horrors on his unsuspecting believers!

Hope is what leads people to believe in miracles…miracles that never happen.

That you will be cured of cancer.

That you will walk again after the terrible accident.

That people change…for the better.

That love would prevail.

Hope is that lie. 

Dude! WTF is wrong wit you??? O.o

•October 9, 2011 • 10 Comments

That question always causes little explosions in my head to go off…SO much wrong!!!

It is probably the most frequently asked question from Zee Kaiser next to “Is that it?” and “Where is my money?”  So me being the genius I am I have decided to post a comprehensive list of things wrong with me and upload it for you judgmental reviews…Happy reading.

I imagine I am the ruler of a post apocalyptic world known as Chaos. I call myself Zee Kaiser and refer to my friends as “foot soldiers” I frequently find myself checking out gas masks in occupational safety shops and I firmly believe the Armageddon is upon us!

I cry at movies. Yesterday I cried watching "Tangled” before that it was “Sucker Punch” I think? and today it was “Mr. Poppers penguins” (I cried when the eggs were hatching!!!!!)  I cannot watch “City of Angels” without balling like a healthy new born baby, I cried my eyes out (much to the horror of my darling date) at “Hancock” and most movies including Rambo, Die Hard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…and Terminator will cause me to tear up and feel sad for a long time!!!

I squeal, giggle and grin when I get ice cream in a cone and I can occasionally be found jumping on the bed, I buy cool toys, action figures, LEGO, remote controlled helicopters and other things meant for 12 year olds. I have temper tantrums at least once a week and I still bang on occupied toilet doors and wail “I need to peeeeeeeeee” while clutching the crown jewels!!! (I’ll be 30 in a couple of years just for the record)

I live off Pringles and diet coke. Pringles coz I like them. Diet coke to feel “healthy” after all it is DIET coke right? RIGHT?!?!?

I like reading girlie magazines..NO..not the ones where the girlies are naked…the girlie girlie ones…with shoes and gossip and those funky scratch and smell perfume strips!!! I like boy magazines too…but their not as entertaining as the girlie ones!!!

I have this delusional idea that I can write!!!

I talk to planes, specially when they start giving me trouble!!! (“what is WRONG with you Alpha-Delta-foxy…why you always give me false ECAM warnings ah? I gave you extra fuel also…your sucha bitch…now don’t be mean…RESET" ok angel?)

I know the lyrics to most Taylor Swift songs…I follow her on twitter, have ALL her songs saved on my laptop, have ALL her songs saved on my phone and have a few pretty pics of her! and I’m a proud little “swifty” ❤

I like to watch ants…I do not however like them living in my laptop! which they do!!! I also torment them occasionally…leaving pieces of biscuits here and there and then moving them six inches as the ant-army comes to claim them!!! tee hee hee (I also imagine they talk to each other “huththo! I’m telling you the choco-chip cookie crumb was over THERE a few seconds ago”)

I am a complete alcoholic…I have been found drunk in ditches, under bar tables, atop bar tables, professing my love to strangers, making out with OLD women and peeing on the walls of HFC bamba and at the Kollupitiya police station after a “night out”

I am rude and I think its funny…I frequently have people walking away from me coz I scream shit like “OMG you WHORE!!! long time no seeeeeeeeeee” and I refer to everyone including the relatives as “losers”

I fall in love with different people once a month on average…and go into a state of complete depression when I realize their not “the one” this day will be spent listening to Taylor swift and crying after movies as mentioned above!!!

I run away from the police even though I have nothing to hide…and once had them chase after me…no I didn’t get caught….I can still run to save myself pretty well! Smile with tongue out

I am an absolute idiot in most cases…current affairs, general knowledge, economic thingies, maths and physics…however I seem to have a bit of common sense which saves me!

I will do insane things if I think they’ll be fun…skinny dipping, swimming with sharks, throwing rocks at a cop car and crashing into stationary objects on my bicycle…and yes…I still ride a bicycle!!! (mostly coz I cant afford a car)

The sole ambition in my life is to build a whopping huge pool in my house…(ok so I want a bar and a BBQ grill beside the pool…but the pool is the main focus….just saying it makes me grin…Poooooooooooooooooooool!!! Open-mouthed smile

I still believe in “true love” Apparently that’s “wrong” too…people apparently “learn” it doesn’t exist after they turn 20 or get their hearts broken more than 3 times…but I’ve passed both those measures (by a considerable amount) and I can safely say “I STILL BELIEVE”

I think I am awesome and tell complete strangers that I am…usually this makes them think I’m a jerk…but I’m not…well not really…! REALLY!!!! I’m not I swear…I’m just…uh….awesome!!!

I think having dangerous animals as pets is cool….much to the horror of the mommy! Snakes, scorpions, tarantulas, piranhas and a rather large centipede that is forever lost under my bed!!! O.o (Don’t tell the mommy though)

Given the option of sex and a night long making out session…I chose the latter…more than once!!! (cowers from the guys throwing things at him and calling him a big fat ponna-patiya) heheh

I do the weirdest shit on dares…Jumped off the wings of a rather large plane, crossed Galle road like a monkey, rode a broom in front of Bishops College, and ate a live worm for 50rs!!! *shudder* – it seemed to be full of mud for those of you who are wondering!!! Smile with tongue out

Hmmmm….that seems to be it…yep…that is all the weird I am!!! So tell me…what the fuck is wrong with YOU?!?! Winking smile