Doughnut the flying cockroach!!!

There have been quite a few creepy crawlies i have encountered during my not-so-brief stay in this world; My pet scorpion, the 12 inch centipede that lived in our bathroom and the dozens of other little little creatures that brought out screams of terror from the mommya. But none have traumatized me more that Doughnut!!!!

Doughnut was first spotted a few days into us moving into our new house, we assumed he was the first resident of the new house since he seemed to know every nook and cranny that we didn’t know existed…until of course he disappeared into them! He was of average size, the usual 1.5 inches and was more of an athletic roach, leaping over the mothers feet and jumping off the kitchen counter and scurrying off at 180km/h when the lights were suddenly switched on during a nightly stroll to the fridge! But doughnuts true strength lay in his ability to fly! Oh yes ladies and gentleman, Doughnut was one of them flying cockroaches…

You know how unnerving it is when you encounter a flying roach?!?! I have seen many a grown man, flail his arms and writhe his body in terror when a flyer decides to land upon them…I myself have had a few of these mini-monstrosities perch on me and send me into the famed anti-roach dance!!! you know how iiiky it is when they fly straight at you…wings beating, altitude rising and falling most unpredictably!!!  Its horrifying!!! and that stupid head-turning move EVERYONE does to save themselves from being face-landed!!! you know….seconds before impact, you freeze, hold your ground and simply raise your hands feebly and turn your head away so you don’t see the roach eye to eye before he lands in your hair, scurries through it, on to your neck, down your back and then flies out from under your shirt like a bat out of hell?!?!…god!!!! i hate that!!!! and what’s worse is all you do is scream the words over and over again “aaaaaargh…get it off get it off get it off” Its borderline pathetic but its the truth…and if you claim you have NEVER done the same, well….your a fucking liar!!! :p

So…as hard as it is to intercept these flying fiends, it IS possible, a well aimed book, or any other swatting instrument can be used against all such airborne insectofreaks; all except doughnut! recently during an encounter i found “him” perched atop my bookshelf dandying up his antennae (i assume he had a roach party to attend) anyways upon seeing me doughnut froze, undid his hidden wings and prepared to take flight, I swiftly reached for the closest book “aerodynamics for beginners” (No pun intended) and swung at doughnut a few feet into his flight…and imagine the shock-horror i got! You see, Unknown to me this flying critter was the fucking ace of fly school, Top gun material, bloody cockroach captain of the fleet!!!  He anticipated my swing, dove, twisted and did a barrel roll before climbing vertically upwards (much like those Suhkoi fighters do) and disappeared into one of those fore mentioned nooks only roaches know exist!!! I lay stood there, stunned and speechless at what had just happened and went about my day knowing that doughnut had won the battle…wings down!!!

Of course there’s no point telling this story unless I tell you how doughnut got his name…so…I have this habit of watching movies on my beloved computer, seated on a mattress surrounded by pillows with something to munch on while the movie plays…usually its mixture, often biscuits, on this fateful day it was a doughnut…so here i am watching some random movie, when the phone rings (as it always will when your watching a movie) so i answer the phone, faithfully take down whatever message is given (I don’t get calls since I’m an anti-social-blogger-geek) and went back to my movie, only to find my doughnut missing…ok…so it wasn’t a whole doughnut, it wasn’t even half, I’d say it was about a quarter of a doughnut but it was a big bloody doughnut to begin with and it going missing was an issue to say the least! So i looked about thinking i had left it somewhere in my haste to answer the phone but i couldn’t find my quart of a doughnut…and that’s when i saw him…the damn roach crawling very much slower than usual to a miniscule gap between the bookshelf and the wall…as i continued to watch in horror “he” got partially wedged in this space, wriggled and writhed a tad and disappeared into the darkness behind the bookshelf! Now I’m no idiot…there was no way a bloody roach ate the whole damn quarter of the doughnut right?!?! but when i took a closer look at the gap it was positively, undoubtedly smeared with chocolate icing from MY doughnut!!! I kid you not!!! this is the truth and i shall swear by this in a court of law…that bleeding roach stole/ate/vaporised/transformed my quarter of doughnut that freaky Friday!!!

There however had been days when I got the better of doughnut…once i hit him in a swift sideswipe with a slipper and made him spin across the floor…he came to a stop after hitting a chair leg, he lay there a while with his precious wings strewn clumsily about, but almost as soon as he stopped he righted his wares, twitched his antennae and ran off at 160km/h towards some unseen haven he knew of! Another time the mother managed to blast him with a spray of mortein but I assume he didn’t get hit right coz he dove into the sink (probably washed the stinging bug-spray off himself) and reappeared a few days later after his “sick leave” in the bathroom!!! much to everyone’s dismay!

Doughnut is living proof that roaches were here before us, will live amongst us, and will survive us after we nuke each other to kingdom come!!! I for one have given up on trying to get rid of him, and in all honesty i don’t bother to clean up scraps of food in my room anymore…after all…doughnut does all the work and in a twisted way its like doing a good deed…feeding the household cockroach!!! And i swear after i stopped trying to kill him, he stopped flying at me and pulling them bloody maverick-fly-boy moves on me!!! he even has the decency to hide when we have guests…now if that isn’t being considerate…i don’t know what it!!!

*Sigh* Life ALWAYS finds a way to kick me in the…uh…shin *grin*

Aiyo!!! Just when I thought i had it all figured out, fate had to come bounding up to me and kick me in the shin!!! Its bloody Murphy’s law I tell you…The plan was to Work during the days, swim during the evenings, watch a movie at night, go to bed at decent hour and repeat the cycle as required. Off days would be spent amongst the closest of friends, bitching about their latest love interests and trying to fix each other the perfect drink! And maybe going on a date or two with the new found gorgeousness!!!

But oh noooo….the perils of the modern world and the rumble of the rat race just HAS to kick in…so to speak…Civil Aviation exam application closing date on the 16th of October, Candidates list out on the 4th? of November, and D-day on the 13th of that month…and WHY do they HAVE to set the date for the 13th?!?! that’s just cruel…I mean seeing that my life is governed by the likes of Murphy’s law I’m guessing the superstition angle will come into play and I’ll screw up right at the start!!!! It’ll be like slipping, tripping an falling at the starting blocks!!! *sigh* why me?!?!?

Now the mad scientist must once again emerge like Mr.Hyde after the juice, and shove his head back in the books that were neatly (and i mean NEATLY) stacked away!!! Short notes filed and hidden in drawers must be retrieved, notepads must be dissected to pick out the relevant info and the computer must stop the mass-movie-downloading and restart the researching!!!

Movie dates will have to be cancelled, Nice reads will have to be bookmarked and kept aside for a later date and don’t even get me started on the party situ! This is a nightmare!!! *hysterical blonde look*

 

Remember remember the 4th of November, the candidates list and the fears,

The fucking exams and the traffic jams in which I shall sit and cram,

Shitty Hydraulics, worse off electrics and the occasional pneumatic scare,

At the end of the day I shall weep, wail, and say “why the fuck did I fall for the planes?!?!

Blogger Meet up…?

No I didn’t go…api happening naha ney…but seriously how was it? tell! tell! tell! I had half a heart to go, but then Saturday was shaping up to be really damn busy and I was shape eke chicken to go socialize without a wingman / sidewoman so I decided to go home, and blog about it! Of course the venue seemed slightly cliche (no offence aney!!!) but then again maybe its turning out to be a bit of a tradition…which would be rather nice noh? oh well…what to do…maybe next time! but someone who went…seriously…post about what it was like…Is Lady Divine a total babe???? heheh *ducks to avoid LD’s slipper hitting him bang-smack-in-his-face* and who got totally drunk and made an ass of themselves in my absence? were there like open-mic-reading-thingies? was the place decorated?!?! ooooh…I should have gone noh! *whine grumble bitch*

Love is…

No I wasn’t tagged ( no one loves me! ) but you just cant keep a love fool from a post like this; So here I am with my two sense take on love…

“Love…is a motherf***er” – Snoop Doggy Dog. The End.

Hahaha….ok ok…I kid! I kid! But then again how does one start a post on something as profound, awe inspiring, and as whole as love? Poets, bards, lovers, legends, sinners and saints all had their share to say on love and now its the poor Kaisers turn…

Love. Love is everything that St Paul said it was in his letter to the Corinthians; coming from an agnostic such as myself that says a lot I guess. Love is everything good in this world. it is a walk on the beach or the sound of the stars on a cool dark night. Love is as cheesy as a song request on the radio or as extravagant as flowers flown in from Germany for valentines day! It is a first date kiss or a diamond ring on your one year anniversary! Love is everything they say it is and so much more.

It is the warm and calming feeling you get when your world is in ruins and that special someone puts their arms around you and holds you, telling you without words that everything will be just fine.

It is the screams, squeals, and peels of laughter as you sit at home watching “How I met your mother” together. And the quiet hand holding that goes on during mushy scenes of any movie you see as a couple.

Love is a night of wild partying, with too much whiskey and wine, lotsa dancing, and a hour spent on the floor of the girls bathroom holding someone’s hair from falling their face as they wretch out everything they had to eat or drink during the course of that eventful day, and the drive back home where you tolerate the profanity for taking them home early! :p

Love is flowers on your birthday when your boyfriend doesn’t bother or a backup date to watch a movie when you cant find anyone to save you from your latest admirer!!

Love is a short text message that says “wake up you loser i miss you” or a missed call during a interview; Love is also, occasionally a semi-cracked-egg thrown at you with a scream of “If you love me you’ll catch it”

Love is all about keeping promises, trusting each other, and supporting each other through think and thin. It is also speaking the cold, harsh truth, and hanging up the phone when you know enough has been said. it is knowing the difference between being busy and being ignored and it is trying your utmost, level best not to let that special someone down, even if it means bailing on the boys and three bottles of Bacardi!!!

Love is definitely sharing your smoothie and tolerating the 3/4’s of your missing chocolate cake because certain people are on a diet and cant have their own! and I’m not entirely sure but I think love is ordering stuff you hate just to let the other person pick off your plate as you know they will!!!

Love is being able to call someone a whore-tart without hurting their feelings and being bitten till you bleed (just a little) for saying such things!! Love is MSN conversations peppered with profanity, that last for hours, that mostly involve the both of you bitching about each other and love is definitely a few hundred photo uploads on facebook!!!

Love is holding someone around their waist coz you know they love it and kissing them at every given opportunity! (sometimes one must “create” the opportunity but after that its still technically a “given” opportunity- just to clarify) It is holding hands even if its slightly embarrassing and nuzzling and cuddling when your sure no ones watching!!!  (you can do all this in public but then chances are your friends will very loudly ask you to “get a room” ) It is running your hands through her long, straight hair and telling her how gorgeous she is! or complimenting her good looks with exactly the same enthusiasm and honesty as you did the very first day you hit on her!

Love is a hicky, a single short kiss on the neck, a hour long make out session and a quick kiss of acknowledgement when you rest your head on her shoulder and look at her with puppy dog eyes!!! (love is also taking off your long pointy bloody earrings for fear of blinding your boyfriend as he busies himself showering you with kisses!)

Love is being seated in front of the very first row at the Majestic Cinema so you two can be just so much more closer to each other and going there to watch some gawd-awful chick-flick coz she’s dying to see it on big screen!!! (love is also scrunching up together coz its so damned cold right up front at MC)

Love is about sobbing inconsolably for half a day when you said goodbye at the airport and the months  of agony that followed. Love is what causes that lump in your throat when she says its over and letting her go, nicely, after its all said and done. love is forgiving each other for everything and having the courtesy and maturity to check up on each other once in a while and love is most certainly being happy for each other when your hear that the ex’s latest relationship is a totally rocking one!

Love is memories in a box – entrance tickets, a few posing pictures, a dried up flower, lotsa of love notes and a old scribbling pad with her name psychotically written over and over and over again!!!

Love is pure. pacifying. poetic. and above all…perfect.

The contrast that is; Me.

I wake up at the ass-crack of dawn, sit myself down at my desk and start filling in worksheets like my life depended on them. Carried out this inspection, installed that part, no defects found, task carried out successfully, found satisfactory, etc etc etc! I hate doing paperwork but here I am. even before the sun thinks its time to get out there…dutifully doing my paperwork. yes! Its part of getting my license and moving up in life but I like my life the way it is now…its simple, uncomplicated and carefree. Why then do i bother with the worksheets in the first place?!?!?

I’m so under paid its probably a crime, but there I am sweat dripping off my forehead, fingers sore from twisting them into unseen places (on aircraft you perves), I bleed from tiny cuts I get from work and cringe during my hot even showers as the grease and grim are scrubbed from my scratches, and I’m over worked to say the least!!! But if left alone – far from the agonizing monotonous rants of my retarded executive-in-charge, you’ll find me humming some popish song and smiling to myself coz I’m happy. Here and now.

I used to crave “the life” with the continuous happening parties and the even-more-happening people, with the free flowing whiskey and the trippy foreign girls, the poolside make outs and the beach hut one night stands, but now the Friday nights spent at home watching some cheesy movie I downloaded off Torrents and sleeping at 9pm seems like the “Real deal” No hangovers, no messed up biological clock, less drama and more time to read those books i bought but never read!

And my city….how i used to love the city…the lights, the smells, the 2am kottu, and the lazy coffee stop afternoons, the endless options of places to hang out and the trishaw rides from A to Z!!! But now you’ll find me walking a half a mile to nearest boutique, listening to the distant rumble of the Indian ocean and stopping occasionally to see the fish in the stream pop to the surface for a quick gulp of air!

A few months back I would have died to be going out with her, but now i can hardly remember her cell phone number! I craved, wanted and thought i needed to be with a person, who now is someone I randomly miss and talk to even less! It saddens me in a sense, but is also very soothing to know that i haven’t out lived my singledom.

I wanted to go abroad, see the world, change my name, go bungee jumping, drink sake, buy a huge 1300cc motorcycle, work for a few dozen little airlines that would let me fly on board every single day as a flight engineer and have someone to call at the end of the day to tell them all about things and yet…here i am without any of those things happy as can be!

And I wonder…what is wrong with me? my cant i have one, proper, steady, focus. why do i crave a glorious luxurious life one day and want to live the life of a beach bum the next? Its complicated i tell myself. confusing to say the least…but on the other hand its really quite simple.

and that is the contrast that i am. this is me.